Friday, October 3, 2008

As children we often try at length to accomplish a goal which at that time in our lives we do not have the understanding or means with which to excel. However, when entering adulthood, sometimes after reflecting on these past challenges, one finds him/herself surprised with the ease with which this formerly unattainable challenge is surmounted. I write this now, knowing from experience.

Alas, the culmination of my existence has finally occurred, and I found myself entirely alone with no one to experience my joy. Though this should come as no surprise with the recent decline both in appreciation and reference to "the armpit fart." As this chart clearly shows, armpit farts are all but forgotten except in moments of nostalgia.

Throughout my childhood, all of my chums would often lift their juice stained white undershirts, and let out uproarious sounds of flatulence coming not from their bottom, nay but from their armpit. However, even when I would focus every ounce of physical and psychic concentration on this singular task, I would merely amount to making the noise of my arm flab slapping against the side of my ribcage. Too often I would focus on this event practicing like a given youth on a television commercial, however, unlike that paid child star I did not over the course of the 30 second spot eventually achieve my goal, instead I had black and blue marks covering my ribs and what could affectionately be refered to as armpit fart shoulder, the less spoken of cousin of tennis elbow.

But when did I forget about the armpit fart? Well dear media, like for everything else I blame you for this as well. At what point in my life did television stop using armpit farts for laughs and gags? At what point did a flatulent sound lose its humor? For no other reason than cold hands did I even remember that the concept of armpit fart existed, as seen in this chart:

Thusly, in an attempt to warm my hands, I thought of my contemporaries, and the joy they spread among our peer group as they let loose as wild duck sounds released themselves from their armpits. Likely this phenomena will go unstudied unless someone interested in group dynamics of young children with respect to bodily function imitations is studied at some imposing university, at this point there will likely be three known causes for increase in armpit fartage in adulthood, these being nostalgia, cold hands, and reading this article as seen in the final chart:

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