Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Nursery Chronicles

The Nursery Chronicles
Uncovering the golden goose of truth

Humpty Dumpty: Fell or Pushed?
The NY Times was quick to diagnose that Mr. Dumpty was sitting on a non-compliant OSHA wall and that his fall was purely accidental. I find that to be too easy of an answer. First of all, Dumpty had been sitting on walls for over twelve years--why fall now? Was the wall really that broken for him to fall? How can we put into the equation that Dumpty was also part of an Eggland's Best farmer scam that cheated a lot of roosters out of making good eggs?

How deep does this go, you ask? Take note that All the King's horses and all the King's men conveniently forgot how to put Humpty Dumpty together again. They showed up late, forgot proper medical procedure and didn't even bother with the ambulance. I'm thinking that Dumpty may have rattled a few cages in the government. I don't feel safe sitting on my wall.

Operation Candlestick

Last night, at 2300 hours, General Jack and a squad of troops parachuted into Cambodia and led a insurgent strike that the government aptly denies. From gathering intel, we are told that Jack was nimble and Jack was quick and Jack took out the target known as "Candlestick." I will have more on this report as it uncovers.

Orphanage Abuse Uncovered

- Jack Horner was forced into a corner and forced to eat a plum pie that may have had sedatives in it.
- Reports grow suspicion as to what exactly is in Mother Hubbard's cupboard
-Orphanage nanny denies allegations that mice are running up clocks

Illegal Wool Exports?

Talk about the black sheep of the family; major exporter Baa Baa industries is under report for selling faulty black sheep wool to Iraqians. The CIA (commerce investigation agency) followed the paperwork for this export and found that the wool was being offered to three wealthy buyers: the master, the dame and the little boy that lives down the lane. This has Al-Queda stench all over it.

Senator of Oklahoma Denies He Has Massive OCD

A secretary refutes his denial with the following observations:

-The senator buckles his shoe when he hears the numbers 1 and 2
- The senator shuts the door when the counting continues to 4
- The senator buys firewood and collects it when the number 5 and 6 appears
- The senator feels obligated to set them straight when the counting carries to 8
- And he totures himself by repeating all the above steps when the counting goes to 10

MYTH: Apples do not send any sort of pediatrician away from your presence.

20 Year Vegetarian Streak Broken by the Consumption of Lamb

Mary was an avid vegetarian for twenty years, refusing to eat any meat in her trek. Only recently has she admitted that she "had a little lamb". When asked why she decided to eat the lamb she was reported as saying, "It just kept following me, what choice did I have?" On the plus side Mary has a new white coat with fleece as white as snow.

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