Monday, April 27, 2009


Recently, while shopping for lunch items in the grocery store I took note of a package of yellow square sheets marked 'Singles; Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Food.' What defines food? I strongly feel that the word 'Imitation' proceeding the word 'food' negates that it is actually 'food.' Rather that it is fake. A cheap knock off of food. You could argue that a knock of a Gucci handbag is still a handbag.. but I can assure you that there are those that would disagree.

The word 'Imitation' is defined as "a counterfeit; copy" and in the case of processed cheese, not a very good one. To add insult to injury, the label further describes itself as artificially flavored. Imagine that.. somewhere there is a group of people whose sole quest in life is to ascertain what combined ingredients mimic the flavor of real cheese.

The answer to the most burning question, turns out is this: water, oil, starch, whey, gelatin, sodium, some acids, calcium and artificial flavors! Yes, you read correctly, the secret to artificial flavoring is indeed, artificial flavoring!

And so I present to you this: somewhere there is a group of people who have failed to find the secrets to creating the ultimate cheese forgery. However, they have stumbled across an even greater discovery of epic proportions; how to put imitation pasteurized process cheese food IN A CAN!!!!! This phenomenon will remain a staple in every college student's diet along with 'Ramon Noodles', boxes of sugary cereal, and caffeine for generations to come. Thus the makers of such a product are a power not to be taken lightly as they influence such a great number of our population. It is possible that they hold within their grasp, the ability to control the country, if not the world! It could be, that the makers of such a power have begun a secret society, and are planning our demise this very minute!

Beware of C.H.E.E.S.E; Councilman Have Elaborate Evil Schemes Evolving

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